In the last year I’ve been so afraid I’m failing, hurting, scarring my kids in this shaking of my snow globe.

We’ve had oatmeal for dinner. We’ve eaten dinner at non-routine times, sometimes past regular dinnertime. We’ve eaten out more than in their entire lives. They’ve watched more TV. They’ve gone to bed late.

I’ve been snappier — okay, downright bitchy. I haven’t done enough fun things with them. Spent enough peaceful time with them. They’ve seen me cry and yell and sink to the floor.

But I’m trying so hard. I want to do my best. In spite of me, they’re doing well — because they are amazing. I want them to know I love them fiercely, without hesitation. That this trying is for them.

– frozen

Melissa was sitting on the bed, writing, her things on the bed. She’d let herself into the house while no one was home.

Furious.

Angrily folding my clothes, wondering why Gretchen wasn’t upset.

Went to kitchen, around the corner where Linder was starting dinner. I hissed under my breath and signed at the same time. “why is SHE [Melissa's name sign] here?!” Linder looked at me blankly and shrugged. “she let herself in! how dare she??” It was clear I was working myself into a state of solitary righteous indignation so I stomped out.

Melissa was now sitting at the table with G. I signed to Gretchen, “where you? search – not find. worry i!” Shrug. Intruder = Lin.

I packed, tasting loss and sorrow.

Spring 2010

Visual/Gestural Communication [dropping] MW
Religion: Exploring the Christian Faith MWF
Native American Social Systems MWF
American Sign Language II TTh
Current Events Th

Four years ago in a lightning flash of Knowing I realized I wanted to be a Sign Language Interpreter. Until that moment I assumed I’d go into something English-related [later narrowed down to magazine editing of some flavor] given my grades, test scores, and Proofreading Twitch Factor. I was cool with that. I love words and language; my freshman year of high school I took the only foreign language, Spanish [taught by a gentleman from Mexico -- huzzah for real learning] and did well. When I transferred to public school my sophomore year I took French, my first love. I continued taking French classes in college both in Oregon and Iowa. I even considered adding a French minor until I realized how many classes I’d have to take with the prof who didn’t like me. With Interpreting, though, it was different.

/tangent

I’ve also loved sign language as long as I can remember. No, really. This is not one of the Lin Exaggerations of Doom. I learned to fingerspell when I was 6 or 7, adored Marlee Matlin, read about Helen Keller, and checked out ASL dictionaries from the library. When I met a deaf girl – Lacey – I was incredibly disappointed that she couldn’t read yet thus couldn’t fingerspell. I remember this incredible urge to communicate and connect with her in some way. When I was 10 my Sabbath school class [think of it as Sunday school, only on Saturday...look, it's a whole other thing, roll with it] signed “Amazing Grace” for special music [realizing now it was actually Signed Exact English, not ASL, but that is not the freaking point now is it?]. I read a Baby-Sitters Club book [shut UP] with a deaf character & learned the sign for “dance” and as a sophomore in high school wrote a ghastly, cheese-laden short story about a deaf girl struggling to fit in with her hearing family and mainstream school. Seriously, I lit the emo fires with that one.

/tangent, again

Out of curiosity and overthinking the future [one of my specialties] I looked into Interpreting programs around the US and got chills when I learned that Augie had just established their B.A. program. One hour away. That year. I felt alight, alive and I couldn’t get the words out fast enough every time I attacked someone else with my happiness. Four years later with my life upside down and losing my job two days before my son’s birthday I began to consider school. The original plan was to wait until my daughter was in kindergarten but it was your classic spork in the road, you know? On one side a murky pond and on the other a moody sea. So I held my breath and jumped. [sporks and water analogies...you know, I don't know.]

Spring semester began February 4. Full time. I was afraid of looking like a complete misfit or, worse yet, the Misfit Who Tries So Hard to be Cool. I knew those @ UNI. So far so good…I think. I want to be seen first as Lin, as myself, not That Girl OMG Did You Hear?. I drive an hour each way to school every day. It’s not awesome and it’s expensive but it’s what I’ve got to do. I realize that to someone who doesn’t know the entire situation it would seem easiest to move but it isn’t. I’ve considered it so many times but I keep coming back to the reasons I have to stay, all of which are related to my bebes and their well-being. I hesitate to say this b/c I am afraid some will take it as a personal attack [it isn't], but I don’t feel like I’m home when I get back in town. Walking into the house I let out a held breath and remind myself to let go of muscles I didn’t even know I was tensing.

It’s really hard not living in the same town, let alone near/on campus. It results in me feeling so lonely and isolated and removed that I want to curl up in a ball. Then I think about how no one would even notice if I curled up in a ball and didn’t move. No, these aren’t suicidal thoughts. They’re the thoughts of someone who has been forgettable and invisible most of my life.

Hell’s bells…I’m really not as grey and gloomy as I sound. School is good. It’s a positive to hang onto and I feel like I’m doing something, moving, trying. Worth something. I’ve made a couple at-school friends. Augie is the friendliest school I’ve experienced. People smile, say hi, hold doors. Faculty members say hello. The staff is helpful; they treat you like a person; they go above and beyond with individualized attention.

My birthday was February 25. I dreaded it for months, mentally counting down to what I knew would be the first of many Lonely Days in this new existence. That night though my friend Paula & I met for a reunion/birthday dinner — it was the first time we’d hung out in 2+ years. Said dinner lasted three, count them one-two-THREE hours. It was fabulous. Catch-up session #1 over, I dashed to the movie theater where I met a couple friends from ASL & a friend of theirs for my second birthday gift. The three of us saw Shutter Island and I sobbed, oh yes I did. I have no shame. In the cozy dark of a movie theater, that is. When the lights come up it’s a different story.

Oh, great, we start with a sad one…He called himself “stupid” and my heart broke. On the other hand he’s having trouble putting down a book and I love it.

Saturday, April 25
J – What does suspended mean?
L – That you got in so much trouble they won’t let you go to school. You have to stay home.
J – *jaw drops* Then you can’t even learn!
L – Exactly.

He knows the different kinds of clouds.

::

He already outgrew his shiny black bike. He experimented with his dad’s old skateboard. He played soccer, baseball, and hockey and took swim lessons. Before you get your panties in a twist they don’t overlap and I know my kid. kthx.

January 5
He’s responding awesomely to my personal growth and changes in how I approach things. Not even changes so much as doing a much better job at what I was trying to do before. His teacher has noticed too.

::

Despite the tumultuous year, he has been doing well. Considering. His evaluations are often the highest in the class and always well above the goal. He is still very social, having worked through a more withdrawn couple of months before Christmas. The move to Orange City was hardest on him and he has thrived since being back in Sioux Center.

He’s taller still. His 12 slim jeans won’t work in the fall. He likes to listen to music & stories on his mp3 player before he falls asleep. Sometimes he finds games on the radio instead. He loves to read and grasps new math concepts without blinking. His teacher loves his personality and well-developed sense of humor.

I’ve made – and continue to make – so many mistakes with him. He’s so special to me; he was not a mistake but a surprise. An unexpected, undeserved gift. He was part of me learning that I could be a mom; how to be a mom. That I love being his mom. What it is like to be filled to bursting with such love it surprises you.

by Anis Mojgani

This is for the fat girls.
This is for the little brothers.
This is for the school-yard wimps, this is for the childhood bullies who tormented them.
This is for the former prom queen, this is for the milk-crate ball players.
This is for the nighttime cereal eaters and for the retired, elderly Wal-Mart store front door greeters. Shake the dust.
This is for the benches and the people sitting upon them,
for the bus drivers driving a million broken hymns,
for the men who have to hold down three jobs simply to hold up their children,
for the nighttime schoolers and the midnight bike riders who are trying to fly. Shake the dust.
This is for the two-year-olds who cannot be understood because they speak half-English and half-god. Shake the dust.
For the girls with the brothers who are going crazy,
for those gym class wall flowers and the twelve-year-olds afraid of taking public showers,
for the kid who’s always late to class because he forgets the combination to his lockers,
for the girl who loves somebody else. Shake the dust.
This is for the hard men, the hard men who want to love but know that is won’t come.
For the ones who are forgotten, the ones the amendments do not stand up for.
For the ones who are told to speak only when you are spoken to and then are never spoken to. Speak every time you stand so you do not forget yourself.
Do not let a moment go by that doesn’t remind you that your heart beats 900 times a day and that there are enough gallons of blood to make you an ocean.
Do not settle for letting these waves settle and the dust to collect in your veins.
This is for the celibate pedophile who keeps on struggling,
for the poetry teachers and for the people who go on vacations alone.
For the sweat that drips off of Mick Jaggers’ singing lips and for the shaking skirt on Tina Turner’s shaking hips, for the heavens and for the hells through which Tina has lived.
This is for the tired and for the dreamers and for those families who’ll never be like the Cleavers with perfectly made dinners and sons like Wally and the Beaver.
This is for the biggots,
this is for the sexists,
this is for the killers.
This is for the big house, pen-sentenced cats becoming redeemers and for the springtime that always shows up after the winters.
This? This is for you.
Make sure that by the time fisherman returns you are gone.
Because just like the days, I burn both ends and every time I write, every time I open my eyes I am cutting out a part of myself to give to you.
So shake the dust and take me with you when you do for none of this has never been for me.
All that pushes and pulls, pushes and pulls for you.
So grab this world by its clothespins and shake it out again and again and jump on top and take it for a spin and when you hop off shake it again for this is yours.
Make my words worth it, make this not just another poem that I write, not just another poem like just another night that sits heavy above us all.
Walk into it, breathe it in, let is crash through the halls of your arms at the millions of years of millions of poets coursing like blood pumping and pushing making you live, shaking the dust.
So when the world knocks at your front door, clutch the knob and open on up, running forward into its widespread greeting arms with your hands before you, fingertips trembling though they may be.

I know. This is totally a soccer mom thing to do. But my kids make me laugh my pants off…and soccer moms don’t dance to Incubus or listen to Melissa Auf der Maur. =D

Jan 1 – Currently: wearing hot pink sequined cape, an apron, and dress-up plastic heels. Last night: asked if God has snow pants.

Jan 2 – The week before Xmas I explained she has 2 g’mas & her great-g’ma died in ’05. K absorbed this. “Did she die in hot lava?”

Jan 3 – Jakob & Keira battled over a Matchbox car. J: “It’s mine!” K: “No, it’s PINK!! It’s mine!”

Jan 4 – I have reason to believe K cleaned the bathroom sink. With Dove liquid soap. With my toothbrush.

Jan 5 – I turned up the space heater. K: “oh good, it’s loud again!” That’s right baby. Next milestone is your first concert.

Jan 6 – J caught a few moments of my audiobook yesterday. Later overheard him singing…as David Sedaris as Billie Holiday. #randomjakob
- K asked to bring big stuffed Eeyore to sitter’s b/c “he likes snow.” I said sure & put him in the front seat. “Will you let him sit normally, like this?” She demonstrated. “I taught him how.” #dailykeira

Jan 7 – Walking downstairs w/ Grandpa J to spend the afternoon @ their house, unprompted: “It’s nice to see you today.”

Jan 8 – K had been reading to her doll when it fell from her lap. “That was my baby. I didn’t like her so I dropped it.”

Jan 9 – Took kids to Adam’s, who appeared w/ freshly shaven head. K exclaimed, “Daddy I didn’t want you to shave your head off!”

Jan 10 – Playing with her dolls and bears: “Would you like some tea?” “Certainly.”

Jan 11 – K dove for the phone. “I’ll handle it!” After a min I asked if it was for me. “Oh, it’s for me.” SIL had just asked for me.

Jan 12 – “Mom I had a loud slap fart! Did you hear it?” [she's going to hate me for these one day. My work here is done.]

Jan 13 – Multitasking in a.m. I grabbed two heels to put away. J said gently, “…Mom, I don’t think that’s a matching pair of shoes.” #randomjakob
- “Why are we not supposed to eat dirty snow? Because I tried it and it tasted good.”  #dailykeira

Jan 14 – After a year of trying to convince an unwilling cat to sleep on her bed K Freaks! Out! if he tries. He’s confused, I think.

Jan 15 – Lin is cranky b/c J is dillydallying before school. J is somber. “You can’t stop me from reading, Mom.” Well then. #randomjakob
- K says “bless you” when she sneezes and calls the act of sneezing “bless you-ing”. #dailykeira

Jan 16 – “K, you lied to J. That’s wrong.” Face crumples – throws arms around me – says in fake-sob voice — “I forgive you Mom.”

Jan 17 – During hair-braiding: “I’m trying to hold still but my feet keep moving my face.”

Jan 18 – When she’s tired or in a hurry to get her words out she still says “nass wight” instead of “last night” — and I melt.

Jan 19 – Playing with her bath toys: “How are you today Mrs. Smith?” “I’m good, but others are not.”

Jan 20 – K & I were listening to the iPod – she asked to skip Jason Mraz but strongly approved of @xMAdMx [Melissa Auf der Maur].

Jan 21 – [usually J's a morning person so this was especially amusing] “J, it’s 7. Time to get up.” “Nooo…how could this happen??” #randomjakob
- “Mama, I want to have a real mermaid tail. Will you order one online?” #dailykeira

Jan 22 – K loves to cuddle and talk in bed.  The other night she was curious.  “Would you like to have a flying toilet?”

transcript

Ultrasound Pictures & News – July 6, 2005

Okay. I don’t really know how to leap into relaying stuff like this, so we’ll start simple: there is good news and not-so-good news. And now I shall just spill it all as I remember it.

Measurements averaged out to put me at a due date of only two days before my previous one, so that’s cool. So, the deal is that in Baby’s brain there are ventricles, just like in your heart. The lateral & third ventricles are enlarged. Head circumference is 1.7cm; the “limit” for “normal” is 1cm at this stage. The different may not seem like a lot, but it means it is measuring at 23wks instead of the 21wks 4 days I currently am. On the other hand, the legs are measuring 21wks and abdomen 20wks, both within normal limits. The radiologist is fairly confident the enlargement is due to aqueductal stenosis, causing hydrocephalus. I’m being referred to a perinatologist in Sioux Falls. The appointment is early tomorrow (Wednesday) morning.

FIL said we are probably looking at 1) Baby getting a shunt and 2) the possibility of the head getting big enough that they will want to do a C-section. I can’t dwell on that right now.

The ultrasound experience itself was very cool. I don’t want to forget that. We saw the aorta, which got the tech really excited b/c she said she doesn’t get to see it that clearly very often. Baby wouldn’t give us many face-on shots, but we caught a quick glimpse and I saw Baby’s wee nose. We also got a front view of a leg and both bones were amazingly clear. While the radiologist was looking at things, Adam was able to see a profile shot and the Baby turning its head.

ETA: Sorry, I totally forgot to write about trying to discover the sex. The tech was finally able to catch Baby in a pretty good position, just not crystal-clear. She said since I am this far along a penis should have been really obvious/visible, but it wasn’t — only it wasn’t clear enough for her to see labia. Take from that what you will. She thinks it’s a girl.

More Ultrasound Pics + Perinatologist Appt – July 8, 2005

You’ll want to read the previous entry before you read this one. I’m going to try to make this coherent. Really.

My appointment was at 7:50, and Sioux Falls is about an hour & fifteen minutes away, so Adam & I hit the road by 6:15am. I didn’t get to sleep until 1ish, so I was hurtin. Despite what we thought would be a setback, we got to the Doctors Plaza by 7:30. I found out she — the perinatologist — had agreed to squeeze me in before the regular schedule of patients began. I was back there until 9:15. Both the u/s tech and the perinatologist did a bunch of ultrasounding (some in 3D) and then they did an amniocentesis.

We got to see some gorgeous pictures of the bebe, who was very active and uncooperative. Being facedown meant they couldn’t get one of the measurements they needed, so they had to go internal. Thanks for doubling the u/s part of the bill, child.

Dr. W agrees with Dr. S’s finding of aqueductal stenosis. There is also a possibility that the corpus callosum is missing, b/c she could see a ventricle that is normally blocked by the cc. She was confused why Midwife changed my due date from Nov 5 (calc’d from the date of my last period) to Nov 11 (b/c of measurements at my first u/s). I don’t know what she wants me to go by now, so I could be either 22 or 23 weeks pregnant at this point. I know it doesn’t technically make a big difference, but I like just having one answer, you know?

I’m finding it hard to verbalize some of this. The amnio was to determine if there are chromosomal defects, like Trisomy 21 (Down’s) or Trisomy 13 or 18 (fatal). The results won’t be back for 10-14 days. It could take even longer, technically, b/c the cells take longer to grow if there is blood in the amniotic fluid (which there was). The possibilities are incredibly wide-ranging. The hydrocephalus could stabilize and not get worse and everything could be fine, or not. The baby could be normal or there could be developmental delays, also ranging from mild to severe.

My next appointment is in four weeks. I don’t get to see Midwife anymore; I’m being transferred completely to the Maternal-Fetal Medicine unit and Dr. W’s care. This means that they will probably want me to give birth in Sioux Falls, especially if a C-section is required. At some point, Dr. W is going to have us talk to a pediatric neurosurgeon, who would be the one putting in the shunt. If all that happens, I won’t be able to bring home the baby right away. Obviously.

It’s just…a lot. I’m on such a rollercoaster of emotion. You know, talking about how we can handle anything and I want to be one of those strong moms who doesn’t let this stuff defeat them…and then having to talk myself into taking a shower. Looking online at babygirl clothes, and then thinking I shouldn’t set myself up for more pain/disappointment. I think the majority of my stress, really, is financial. This is going to be nightmarish. There’s just no getting around that.

The ILs have been fabulous. FIL told me that they are looking at this at something we are facing as a family, not “this is your problem and we’ll support you to some degree”. He has a lot of contacts in the Sioux Falls area and we already have the name of the best two pediatric neurosurgeons when the time comes.

That’s all I can remember right now. I think it’s time to get on with the pictures — taken 07.06.05.

Return / Amnio / Clarification – July 24, 2005

We’re back. Anyone want to do laundry for me?

For anyone on OD who didn’t see Jaybriel’s entry, or anyone on LJ who didn’t hear my phone post, I got the amniocentesis results last week. There are no chromosomal defects, and bebe is definitely a girl.

The clarification has to do with the hydrocephaly; all of that is still valid. The amnio was to see if there were Even More Bad Things on top of this one. Thanks for all the yay-notes. :-)

It Heals the Soul [Perinatologist Appt] – September 2, 2005

Friday 09.02

The appointment went well. More 3D pictures. :-) The fluid is still in the ventricles, but they are measuring the same as they have been. I asked Perinatologist if they were going to want to schedule a C-section or what, and she said no way – her goal is for me to have a normal delivery. At this time there is nothing obstetric that indicates a C-section is necessary or would benefit me or babygirl. YAY! She asked about contractions and I told her that while I don’t think they’re real ones, I’d been having a ton of BH and the really uncomfortable, unrelenting tightness last night. She wanted a non-stress test, so off I went for that. Of course since it was morning I didn’t have anything like the night before, but she said she saw some signs of irritability so while she’s not putting me on bedrest I’m supposed to stay off my feet more.

But to see her was to love her, – November 17, 2005

Thursday 11.17

The four of us went to Sioux Falls for Keira’s neurosurgeon appointment. Her head circumference is such that while within normal range, it – combined with the fact that her soft spot feels puffy – is enough to make him want a CT scan. She will get one December 1st and I’m praying she doesn’t have to be sedated. If she does, she can’t eat past 7am for the 11am procedure, we have to check in at 9am, and we won’t meet with the neurosurgeon until 4pm.

CT Scan, etc. – December 1, 2005

Thursday 12.01

We left really early for Keira’s CT scan. The roads were bad, but since we weren’t rushing, it was fine. Everything went so smoothly, it was a good day. We left at 8:30 and got there at 10, got admitted, and went up to peds. A nurse hooked me up with an empty room so I could nurse Keira. Instead of saying okay, be done by 11, she asked how much time I needed and told radiology that’s when we’d be down. The nurse said she stirred a little when they put her down but that was it. Her clothed weight is 8lbs 4oz. :-)

We ate lunch at Chevy’s, then called the neurosurgeon’s office to see if we could get in earlier than 4:00. She said to come in after 1 and they’d see what they could do, but she didn’t sound very promising. I expected we’d still have to sit for a couple hours, but when we got there they said oh good, Keira’s here! and took us straight back. The waiting room was packed full of people who now hate us.

K’s head circumference is stable and following the curve she established and the CT results were also good. The fluid around the outside of her brain has decreased a bit. The ventricles are still “generous” but he reiterated that some people are just built that way and told us about a guy he saw with huge ventricles who was perfectly fine. Since she’s just a li’l bit he wants to monitor her HC for a while. My smart husband asked if it would be reasonable for FIL to take the measurement and call up with the results, explaining that a) it’s a big trip every time we go up and b) it’s at least $150 a pop. Neurosurgeon said absolutely, no problem.

I’m so happy.

SHE’S HERE!

Hey… This is Tanya (aka LadderMonkey)

Lin just called me… *beams* I’m SPECIAL!!!

Keira Alexandra was born at 12:57 a.m. Oct. 21, 2005.

6 lbs 7.7 oz

19 1/2 inches long

She and mom are doing GREAT! Lin just sounds soooo GOOD!

Keira had a CT scan today neurologist is 50/50 on what he thinks is going on. Her head size is normal and so they’re just going to do a “wait and see” kind of thing. They take her back in next week for a follow up visit.

Jakob has not met baby sister yet… but will today!

Lin says that daddy is in love… baby has got him wrapped around her little finger and she doesn’t even know it yet.
So, leave her LOTS of CONGRATS!!!!

WELCOME BABY KEIRA!!!

March 2009

So I don’t know what to say.  Don’t know what to write about.  I also don’t have much time to write, as I’ve been working full-time since August 3rd and in a shakedown of events will be moving to a nearby town this weekend.  School/work/daycare will remain the same…we’re talking less than ten miles.

I need to figure out what to write before I fly into a thousand pieces.

It is a Bad Idea and you may wind up with Bad Results.  Lo, the battle to finish may lead to Lateness and Lateness in addition to Bad Results, my friends, is a Recipe for Disaster.  Take a moment to reflect upon the fact that “mood” is merely “DOOM” spelled backwards.

Suddenly you’ll find yourself painfully aware that you are sitting across the desk from one of the big dogs and you are the girl with Clean Hair That Looks Greasy Because You Made a Bad Decision.  But at least it’s styled…right?

She crawled under the covers.  “I’m sleeping.  I have a headache.”

Monday: in agony by now.  Called Dr. Andersen (my PCP).  She said come back in for a spinal tap & another round of IV cocktails.  I put on my Little Black Jammas and to the hospital we went.  The best anesthesiologist was waiting (seriously — one of my best friends called him on his cell @ 1am for her epidural) and watched in mild irritation as a lab tech cherry-picked a vein, leaving two nurses wrestling with my already-bruises armed.  I’d had 2 IVs, 1 IV-attempt, & another lab poke so it’s not like they were faced with a bevy of candidates.  I suggested finding a “pro” i.e. junkie (hit my laugh quota) then the anesthesiologist took over and found one.  Huzzah.  Then he did the spinal tap.  Trust me, this time the movie’s better.  If you had a good anestheperson it will be less horrible, though.  They had to take something like 12cc, which is only 12mL, but in terms of bodily fluids it’s rather enough.  They started the magic cocktail as soon as the IV was in, so not long after the procedure was done I, too, was done, at least in terms of consciousness.

Apparently while I was out Dr. Andersen & Adam discussed the possibility of my having a form of bipolar disorder, which a) is actually one of a few things I have not self-diagnosed [let's talk about that wretched book that made me sure I had leukemia when I was like 13] and b) bothers me now that I think about it.  In the strictest sense, did she violate my patient confidentially? On the one hand, it’s a small town, his dad’s Dr. FIL, he’s my husand, my POA, we came in together.  On the other hand, he is a separate individual, it’s an issue she hasn’t even discussed yet with me, and I’m lying right there semiconscious.  I dunno.

Neuro appt in S-Town tomorrow.  Dr. Neuro is already on the Made of Awesome List because he returned calls to Dr. A on his day off and made room for me in his schedule to be seen then rather than six weeks from now.

So anyway…I made it though my last hospital stay without screaming by evening but anxiety gets hard to ignore when your heart is trying to keep up with the blips on the vitals machine.  Knowing I was missing Jakob’s third baseball game didn’t help.  That night Adam brought movies, cuddling, and caught me when I got up to pee at 1am and decided to black out instead.  I bucked a couple times in his arms to make it more exciting and give the nurses a thrill.  That was it until the post-breakfast discharge.  I spent the rest of the day relaxing as ordered; a bubblytastic bath, a long hot shower, some reading, some intarweb connecting, some phone calls, some writing.

A night ending with My Name is Earl and a relaxed feeling with a pain-free day is NOT a bad thing.  woot!

I’ll try to get some pics of my awesome bruises tomorrow.  Yeahhhhh.

Gretchen: You need to email me and tell me what the hell is going on!!!

Lin: Dear Gretchen,

My body hates me.

Sincerely,
Lin

Gretchen: I’m going to smack you. Let’s try this again with a little more detail. *shines bare bulb of interrogation room right in your face*

Last Wed-Fri Adam & I had strep.  Fri night I started feeling crappy before bed.  Stomach a little weird, pre-migraine-y.  Woke up to full-blown pain and vomiting Saturday morning.  It responded to exactly nothing.  Double doses of Imitrex, five (not at once) Tylenol-3, repeated rounds of Advil…nada.  Between then and now gets a little fuzzy as to what the hell happened when and I swear the monkeys managed to steal a day or two in there.

Much pain.  On top of everything else, Adam’s parents have been tooling around the Canadian countryside so we couldn’t call them until Sunday or Monday.  I made my bravest attempt at socializing and went with the fam to the church picnic at Oak Grove.  Only there were, shockingly, people.  And bugs.  And noise.  And nowhere for a Lin to lie down,  like a chaise lounge with a summery beverage in one hand….  But that’s neither here nor there.  I lasted two hours before begging Adam to take me home.  Jakob rode home with friends and Keira got to bed at a decent hour.

Oh, right.  Saturday morning I went to the urgent care clinic and got toradol + compazine which didn’t remove said pain but the nausea was gone.  That was good.

Monday I decided I should try to work.  I hurt, but you know, I couldn’t just stay in the Cave o’ Doom forever.  As soon as I walked in SH asked what was wrong because she said I was “walking gingerly”.  So much for pulling off a semi-normal day.  I even did my hair that morning.  By 11 though I decided I was insane, managed to drive myself home, and crashed.  In Adam’s words, “I don’t really remember what happened…I think you just tried to Not Die.”

Tuesday we talked to Adam’s dad again and he called in a super-strong muscle relaxer.  The pills are 4mg and the instructions said “1-2″.  Well, friends, what does Lin do when given a pain medication limit? She starts at that limit, because her body is crazy-resistant to meds.  So I took 2.  Gretchen, I have never before hallucinated and sweet heaven, it was vivid and interactive and lasted a good six hours.  Thank the Lord I passed out after about three because while I was aware enough to know I didn’t need to fear the stuff, it was freaky as HELL to be THAT OUT OF IT.

Sometime later Adam decided it was time to take me in to the ER despite my pleading.  [I have huge, huge anxiety issues when in the hospital as a patient, stemming back to my thyroid surgery in '98.]  They gave me IM injections of Demerol and a teensy drip of morphine.  I also got a CT scan, which made me think of how terrifying it must have been for Keira.  It came back clear and I went home with Lortab and Phenergen.  The Lortab was gone in less than 24 hours, fyi.  Still not the pain, though.  No.  The pain must go on. I couldn’t leave without confirming my dorkitude…the ER doc asked if I’d “been drinkin a lot”. Yes, that’s how he said it. Now. People. When medical professionals are inquiring about my water consumption, they say something like “…getting enough fluids?” When my friends are inquiring about the state of my alcoholism and whether or not I need more wine, they ask if I’ve “been drinkin’ a lot”. SO I SAID! “…well, I had a glass of wine Friday night…” before burying my face in my hands as he collapsed in laughter, hand on my head. GAH.

Wednesday.  Oh, wait, I had a PT appt w/ Julie on Monday.  Icepack and e-stim machine.  And Bio-Freeze…how I love thee, Bio-Freeze.  So I had another appt w/ her Tuesday, only when I got home I was in worse shape than when I left.  By Wed it was Miserycon 4.  I went in to my PCP, who decided it was time to place a call to her favorite neurologist and in the meantime get me admitted and start his favorite cocktail: Reglan, Ativan, & something that sounds like thymidriol but I can’t quite remember.  It gave me a lot of relief and I also got some rest.  I also got an MRI, which also came back clear. I was stoked that I got to keep in my nostril retainer [yay Glasswear Studios!] and got to listen to good music, which was in alphabetical order by artist. Alice in Chains, Atreyu, Breaking Benjamin, Chevelle. The tech drily asked me to stop drumming with my feet, which totally harshed my mellow. All told, my pain level went from a 9 to about a 1.5 by the time I’d had a couple rounds and was released Thursday evening.

I did a lot better for the hospital stay than I thought I would, but by Thursday afternoon I’d had it.  I couldn’t get comfortable, I was fidgety, and I couldn’t focus on TV, reading, — anything.  I felt hollow and nervous and just ick.  At least I’d brought my own jammas and Thu morning I did my makeup.  Because I rock it like that.

Since then, I’ve been waiting for a call from my PCP and expecting the possibility of going in for an outpatient IV treatment.  I still hurt and it’s deep in my neck so it’s hard to ignore.  Anyway…she just called a bit ago and the neurologist wants me to start Topamax – daily drug, you’ve likely heard of it; anti-seizure commonly used to treat/prevent migraines – and wait for a call from his scheduler for a consult.

*breathes*  I think that’s it.  See? Epic.

February 1, 2008

I had a sales meeting in S-Town today [about an hour drive].  Keira stayed at a friend’s house.  I was getting sleepy so decided to pull into a gas station parking lot and nap for a few minutes.  I pulled in and was deciding where to park when something made me look up and to my right –

– a semi was coming.

I had a brief moment of realization – “this is going to happen” – and then impact.

I rolled twice.  I wondered briefly why I hadn’t landed yet…watched the windshield crumple into a million pieces.  Glass flew everywhere – the van gave up its shape – all slow motion.  Seconds rippled indecisively then rushed forward as I sat, stunned, as a woman ran up to me.

She opened the door, commanded me to unbuckle so she could help me out.  Gas was pouring onto the ground.  I stared numbly at her, fumbling with my seatbelt.  I had to find my phone.  It was on the ground a few feet away.  She found my bag and even went back to move a shoe from the ground to the van.  I found them for Gretchen today.  Leopard-print skimmers.  I stared at my makeup scattered on the pavement then realized a small crowd had gathered and was urging me to get away from the van; a man with a white truck eased me onto the front seat and I sat there shivering, answering questions.

There was an EMT whose blue eyes I clung to and an almost-EMT who warmed my hands.  Another told me about the time she was in an accident after I started leaking tears because we can’t afford another van or an ambulance ride.  I remember names.  Cat, Heather, Kim, Lisa, Tony

Despite being my high-strung self I was very, very calm.  I admit I’m a little proud that I gave them all pertinent information and didn’t turn into a blubbering mess.  And, being me, I made a few Linnariffic comments and made them laugh.  Which felt good.

I’m home.  I’m fine.  Glass cuts all over my body; left palm/wrist a bit shredded; right hip bearing a nice contusion.  Who knows what delights will surface tomorrow.

Click to view slideshow.

1. In seventh grade I was 4’10 1/2″ tall. Now I’m 5’10ish”.
2. I can’t decide if I’m freaked about my birthday.
3. Office supplies make me happy. Mmm, pens.
4. I research things to death. I have to learn about it before I can do or decide something
5. I have no tattoos but five or six ideas. I almost got one in Oregon this summer but got my nostril pierced
   instead.
6. When Keira starts kindergarten I will go back to school for my BA in Sign Language Interpreting.
7. I’ve seriously considered changing my name [like, a few months ago -- not just when I was 12 :D].
8. I loved the Photography class I took in high school. I’d like to take another.
9. I cemented my treehugger rep by using cloth diapers, a pouch sling, a Moby wrap, & a mei tai [not the drink]
   w/ my daughter.
10. I still think about and miss lost friends and people who have likely forgotten me.
11. I love potatoes. No…I don’t think you understand. I love potatoes.
12. In college I bought a stick shift, then learned how to drive it.
13. Bird things make me happy.
14. February 1 marked the one-year anniversary of Lin vs. Semi.
15. Dr. Perry Cox makes me swoon and Jordan is my twin.
16. I started teaching my kidlets ASL when Keira was 3 months old and Jakob was 4 years old.
17. I wish I had some amazing, standout talent [other than reading Adam's mind and playing Family Interpreter].
18. It’s really difficult for me to initiate contact w/ people.
19. I suck at making decisions.
20. Linnet = one of my nicknames. Linnet also = a bird. I like that.
21. Trees also make me happy.
22. As does lemony goodness.
23. February 6 – was Day One, Week One of my Couch-to-5K.
24. I usually assume the worst.
25. My family was vegetarian until I was 14. As a result I’m completely squicked by raw meat and picky about any “off” bits as I eat.

It hadn’t registered yet that she didn’t reach for me and hold on monkey-style. The phone rang and because I’m neurotic, I grabbed it as I sat with Keira on the couch. It was Julie. I must have sounded a little panicky as I explained what was going on; she said she’d call back in a few minutes. Keira hadn’t calmed at all but the crying was strange. I can’t think how to describe it. She wasn’t really focusing on anything and as I removed her hat and coat she pushed me away. “I don’t want you! I want my mommy!” “Baby, it’s me. I am your mommy.” “Noooo you’re not my mama, I want my big mama!” The words themselves, the text, look funny. It was terrifying.

I called the clinic and as I held for the triage nurse Keira said her belly hurt. Concussion, I thought. Sure enough they wanted me to bring her in. I bundled her back up and ordered Jakob to Get Some Shoes On because we were Leaving Right Now. That boy needs to learn to heed the lightning in my eyes when I’m Very Serious. The nurse took her vitals and once she heard about Keira not recognizing me it was a foregone conclusion that they a CT scan. She walked trotted us over to the ER, explaining on the way that we could get one right away there versus waiting for approval. Handily, the clinic and the hospital are connected so we went from one world to another without stepping outside.

Keira asked for Adam while we were answering questions in the ER. Shortly after he arrived she vomited for the first time in more than two years which (understandably) freaked her out. At various points she fell into a light sleep as I sang to her and gave rubbies.

The CT scan didn’t go well. Being in pain and completely exhausted meant she was beyond comfort or cooperation. The tech held her head (yes. she screamed.) but they still had to do a second take.

We plodded to a 3×9 cave masquerading as the ER waiting room (clearly identified as NOT the urgent care waiting room). Jakob got to watch some Spongebob while I paced the cave and called my MIL and SIL. In the interest of full disclosure this was actually the shortest ER wait time I’ve ever experienced, so there’s that. After we had all been properly subdued in the Cave of Doom the doctor informed us the scan showed no trauma and they were calling it a concussion with no need for follow-up unless These Terrifying Symptoms occurred. They did not. She vomited twice more at home and was of course completely wiped by the experience, but was fine. Is fine.

For the first 3 weeks post-concussion she was extremely clingy. This made starting at her new sitter a little more difficult, but the sitter is very laid back and non-threatening so it went pretty well, considering. She is now very comfortable there and I see the personality that had disappeared at her old daycare.

My bebegirl is okay.